Things that will NEVER happen
by CosmicWizard
Summary: Crack fic! Ehy, beware strangeness happens, Duh. And major Nero piss taking, HA! Funny world.


**A/N: Let me explain myself. Ha, I haven't been able to write much a while... And then I saw the list of 'THINGS I REALLY WANT TO HAPPEN, BUT PROBABLY WON'T EVER HAPPEN' on Bunnybuscus's profile! :'D And decided to make a crack fic about it! The list originially started from Madamma Butterfly, one of those copy and paste things you do on profiles, and I think Bunnybuscus added a few more things after all the things Madamma Butterfly wrote so yes! In a way this isn't my idea at all! Lol, this was just a chance for me to write something guys! But in a way this is a present to Bunnybuscus and Madamma Butterfly if you think about it! :'D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the stuff I obviously don't own. Not mine, nope! You know, I'm not going to list them all lol. Like the Spice advert thing.**

**THINGS THAT WILL PROBABLY NEVER HAPPEN.**

**You got that right…**

The curtains roll, the spots light go on… LIGHTS, CAMERA. ACTION! "Hello ladies, look at your man. Now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me. But if he stopped using ladies scented body wash and switched to old spice he could smell like he's me. Look down, back up. Where are you? You're on a boat. With the man your man could smell like. What's in your hand? Back at me. I have it. It's an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again. The tickets are now diamonds! Anything is possible when your man smells like old spice and not a lady. I'm on a horse." The crowd silent, the awkward silence settling in the room, all eyes on Nero.

The tanned skin guy came into jumped up into view, "YEAAAHH BUDDY!" Dante yelled on the top of his lungs, rising from his seat. Trish rolled her eyes at this, she had just about enough of these freaky stage shows Nero held every Tuesday, she hopped in her pimping car escaping the scene behind her now, rolled down the windows and yelled to the world! "I'm going to **Jersey Shore** bitches!" All the other drivers honking at her as she _zoomed_ pass them all in brilliant speed, ignoring all street lights posted. She's so badass.

Back in the opera house, Dante coughed rather loudly, everyone in the room listened in. "Long time no sees Verge!" He hollered, in the very corner a very dark Vergil stood against the wall. (Yes even he was present too), he slowly rolled his eyes over to Dante, facial expression bored.

"What is it you insolent fool," he hissed so all could hear.

"Haven't you grown right up? Well remember when we were younger? When I beat you, you know; and you went on and hurled yourself down to hell; you being emo and all just couldn't take being a sore loser," the whole room roared in an uproar, _Vergil emo?_ It all made sense now! Even Nero was laughing at the man. **Nero.** The overemotional teen.

"And I thought I was the emo one!" Nero cried in laughter, Dante joined him on stage too – spot light on them both. Vergil sizzled in his dark corner, his face bright red with embracement.

"…Curse you Dante…" He muttered under his breath.

"Yeah kid! Emo! You? Ha no way, but here check this out! Just some pictures… You know," he waggled his phone a little; there was a rather reveling picture of Kyrie on his screen. Nero grew bright red; he struggled to snatch the phone out of Dante's fast hands, cure the deft hunter! They didn't call him the best for nothing.

"What the **fuck** Dante! Give me that!" He yelled, Dante simply shoved him off stage, watching him fall whilst laughing in his hand.

"And check this out, all over the internet too!" he giggled like a girl, it was so much fun taking the piss out of the kid! "While I'm on a roll here, what about you Lady! Wanna spread some of your pictures on the internet too; I'm sure all the boys will loveeee youuu!" He teased, and stopped immediately right after she stopped laughing herself. He gulped, a few mere seconds went by and he touched his own body just to double check that – well - he could. "H-Hey, I'm not dead yet!" He cheered; the whole room clapped over his recent discovery, _oh the joy!_ He even felt the need to do a little dance over it! Stealing Nero's spot light.

…

"_Ah,_ a day alone with pizza, video games and no devil hunting…" He was so happy he could of pissed himself out of pure happiness! He jumped straight onto his newly bought ps2 game, Silent Hill… The lights were off, the sky was dark. And Dante was all alone, yes the devil hunter Dante that has been down to Hell and back more than once was all alone.

The only source of light he had was coming from the single screen he somehow afforded in his room… It's probably stolen… _'Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh...' Was this a sex scene or?_ No, wait, he's just scared. "I'm not scared! Stop lying!" He screamed for no apparent reason. 'Curse the narrator for not acknowledging me,' he thought to himself.

"_**AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**_

"SSSHIIIITTTT!" He pissed in his pants, pyramid head on his screen - fucking - rabbits. **That's scary shit!**

Dante fainted.

Looks like he didn't _didn't_ get scared.

…

Right, the next day. Or more like going back a couple many years into he past, where a much more younger, _s t r a n g e r_ Dante resided, was currently being introduced to sexy Dante, and video-tape-sexy Dante's reaction. (_You know what I don't even understand this one on the list, moving on…)_

Just for that little inconvenience on my behalf. I'm going to send this human girl into this scene and make her burn this copy of Devil May Cry in front of Dante's simply because I am a racist - to demons, even half ones, _yes a strange joke that is._ "Take that half demon, I mock _thee!_ How does that make you feel?" His eyes were blazing that was for sure... But the girl hand another thing up her sleeve, she also felt like being a dick to the half demon that day too, so she danced around the burning fire, only increasing his rage... _What is she stupid? She's bloody defenceless human._

And _oh_ yes, that pissed Dante right off.

Perhaps a little... Seductiveness was in order, a little flashing of the skin if you know what I mean. The girl suddenly dropped to her knees, her slutty side taking over. Dante's eyes grew to saucers, "What the **fuck?**" He said, she was slowly unbuttoning her top... And later that day he took her to bed, and before he could make his sexy moves.

"PEDOPHILE!"

"Wha-whattt?" He stuttered, confused. This wasn't how this usually went.

"I'M ONLY NINE YEARS OLD!"She cried, Dante fainted once again on that day. And the little girl ran out... _**OH.**_

...

"Oh Nero, you like totally saved me from those demons back there!"

"Of course I did Old man! It's like you let them get you or something, what are you nine!" He yelled at him, huffing and puffing while he rested his arms on his knees. This was all too much for the kid today.

"Oh come on kid, here let me give you a hand," he held out his hand to Nero, he looked up and took it without a second thought, what happened next was really strange, of course it was, when was it not? "RAPIST!" he hollered. Nero snatched his own hand back to himself, **wtf?**

"What the fuck **Dante!** What are you fat and crying for attention! Weirdo!" He yelled back!

"Fat? **FAT!** Watch it kid, I work hard on these hams," pointing to his own ass. "Besides, I bet the only exercise you do is masturbate all day to gay porn with that super devil arm of yours!"

"You calling me gay!"

"I'm calling you gay!"

"_**OH!**_" He raised a fist, a demonic fist. "I'm gonna **fucking** kill you!"

"HA! With what, that gay looking devil bringer you got there, it makes you look reeeaaalll gay you know."

Nero pulled a grumpy face, "TRISH! HE'S CALLING ME GAY!" Trish came running at his call, back from Jersey Shore it seems... Her tanned skin said it all.

"Oh yeah, call the fake blonde in! We all now you're a natural brown sister," he snapped; Dante was on a roll! Trish pulled out her twin guns, how dare he call her a fake! She aimed to kill, the anger in her reddening face.

"Wait a minute, since she's not a blonde; remember that one blonde that thought the fridge was a staircase." They both bawled out in laughter... After they settled down... And after a killer Trish increased her power levels.

"Wait," He stopped. "What kind of joke was that kid." Nero shook his head, like in Hell he knew. "Oh **SHIT!** NERO! WHAT DOES THE SCOUTER SAY ABOUT HER POWER LEVELS!"

"**IT'S OVER NINE THOUSANDDDDD!**" Crushing it in his hand violently, _when did he have a scouter?_

"QUICK! SWARP GIRLS!" And in a click, Lucia replaced Trish before she exploded. _Thank Sparda_. "Now quick! Lucia! Shake ya bootay!" With a nod, she did just that. Dante and Nero joining in with her, making up a beat as they went along.

"You know Dante! You should do swimsuit modelling!" He told him with a thumbs up.

"Ya think so kid, then there's only once place for me to get a swim suit! Quick Nero! Grab my hand!" Nero reluctantly did, this was weird. _**'ZOOOOOOMMMM!'**_ And off they went at the speed of light! A rainbow shooting out of their asses in union.

"_**AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**_ Nero cried on the whole way there, whining like baby.

"Dude, it was over ten minutes ago, why are you still screaming."

_He was traumatised wasn't he?_

Dante only raised an eyebrow when he didn't reply back. This was certainly strange behaviour, "Anyway hey, we're at Wal Mart. See this is me, taking you to Wal mart." Wink wink, _I don't get it._

Suddenly the announcer on the loudspeaker announced something about a discount! _Oh what wonderful joy._ "GOD HAS SPOKEN!" Nero announced himself, removing his hand from Dante's grip. All eyes on him, Dante slowly backed away...

"I do so not know that kid..."

...

The next day. "See there's that Mc Donald's guy, go on pose with him so I can take a picture!" He urged on, shoving Nero ever so closer to the clown.

"NO! THIS IS STUPID DAMN YOU! **NUUUU!**" He whined, Devil bringer buried deep into the ground. "HIS FUCKING SCARY MAN! WE SHOULD BE SLAYING THAT THING NOT TAKING PICTURES!"

"Mayn kid! You're meant to pose next to him then get all freaked! _Yo!_ Kid your embarrassing yourself!" Nero let go of the floor, brushing himself off. Like he had any dignity left...

"Aw kid, don't get embarrassed, here I'll give you a super happy piggy back ride! Come on!" he lifted him onto his back forcefully, ignoring his struggles against him. After about a minute or two of riding him, Nero was rather enjoying the free ride. He even went as far as to calling him... 'My horsie.'

"The fuck did you call me kid,"

"Uh Nothing! Nothing,"

'_I fucking knew he was gay,' _He had proof this time! And now he was letting Nero down... And avoided his touch for the rest of that day.

Strange, strange child.

...

"_Right, my name is Leon S. Kennedy, and I am your long lost third twin, Son of Sparda, half-devil, my mother is Eva, Father is Sparda; were brothers! Vergil is my brother too, yes, yes all I am saying is true." And yet Dante refused to believe him._

"AH! Thank god it was a dream! Ha, another brother; Vergil is bad enough," he said to himself aloud. He threw off his covers, getting just about ready to start the new day. "Oh **SHIT!** Why am I naked! And no babe beside me!" This was alarming indeed!

"Oh shush Dante, you running my painting." Dante paled, shit, no babe but Vergil; this was fucking wrong.

"The fuck! You're painting a nude picture of me!" He screamed, covering himself back up.

"**Fuck yes.** I am an annoying brother aren't I? Well I just happen to enjoy the fine arts, and this is one them so deal with it baby brother! **HAHAHA!**" His evil laughing echoed down the hall.

"DAMNIT VERGIL!"

"Oh and by the way, I stole all your stuff, you know, Rebellion, Ebony and ivory, that atrocious jacket of yours. Honestly Dante you have no class. Does this piss you off?" he ginned evilly, because he was evil.

"This is because of what I said back in the opera house isn't it?"

"Yes. Are you attempting to kill me?"

"No."

"Then it's settled, your not. I'm out of here, say hello to your long lost son or daughter, I didn't read the whole thing."

"Wha-what? Dude! You make no sense! You really are messed up!"

"Tell me about it, I spent years in Hell and made it back, of course I'm messed up." He left with a slam to the door. Enough said.

"Well... Now that, that's over I can finally-"

"YOU! LONG LOST IRRESPONSIBLE FATHER! YOU LEFT ME SAYING YOU WRE GONNA GET COGARETTES AND NEVER CAME BACK!" This midget with white hair wailed just after busting through his doors. "WHY U NO LOVE ME?" Tears began to roll, became frantic!

"FORGODS SAKE, THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I MET NERO! NOT AGAIN!"

...

"You know Dante, _Hick, _I've always liked you. You and your hot sexy _hotness,_ _hick,_ if it wasn't for that brother of yours I would of said this long ago! But he's kinda sexy too, but you're better _hick._"

"Uh huh, wanna move a little to the left lady, keep talking,"

"So anyway _hick,_" flicker her wrists as she stumbled through he words, she shifted to the left a little and tried to compose herself, which didn't work. "One time, I even had this real sexy dream, _hick; _and you were in it babe."

"Really now?" Dante looked away from the video screen for a bit there, intrigued. "What was I doing?..." He smirked, video camera still rolling. This was priceless.

"All sorts, _hick,_ you sexy, **sexy** beast," she slurred on seductively, her claws – nails stroking the air... and then eventually passing out on the table beside her body.

"And that's a rap! Can't wait to show her this in the morning! Hey, I might even post it on Youtube," he laughed to himself. "God I'm funny!" He announced, for no one too hear; but himself...

The next day Dante went missing...

And of course everyone blamed it on Nero, who we all think has gay intentions towards Dante, so it's definetly his fault! No doubt about it. "_Damnit_ Trish! NO NO! I'M STRAIGHT! I GOT A GIRLFRIEND!" He argued back! He had enough of this gay talk!

"Oh shut it kid, we all know you're still a virgin, trying to save himself for Dante, _haha!_ The funniest thing I've heard!" That put the kid in his proper place, he began to pount, this was just not fair.

And while that was happening in Devil May Cry... Somewhere else, about a couple streets away, Dante - tied up to a chair and sat in front of Lady – glared daggered in his gaze. "Dante, just admit it now, you're into guys aren't you? The whole world seems to think so, I mean come on, Nero has a girlfriend and you don't? Honestly now there's something wrong going on here, that's just not logical," her own video camera in hand, waiting for a 'confession'. Lady had her subtle ways of letting how angry she was with one... Didn't she?

"Just lemmego Lady! This is weird! It was just a tape! _**ARG!**_" He struggled against the robes. God this woman knew how to tie rope! _Did she do this often? _He needed to go piss again, and like in hell she wasn't going to help him go to the bathroom again.

"Shut it Dante!" She snapped, and proceeded to sit on his lap, silencing him. _Oh,_ this was awkward...

"Uh... You know. I one made the kid watch Human Centipede. He threw up all over the screen too! Pretty awesome huh?" Sure, because a conversation like that would surely break the ice! Awkwardness, be gone! Or more like awkwardness stay and become even awkwarder...

"Dante." She finally said.

"Yes?"

"That's just sick,"

"I know." And yet he still snickered at the thought, _tsk tsk._

...

"Trish, Trish, **Trish.** I don't care if you went shoe shopping! Listen lady, you and I both know those boobs aren't real, so don't even bother!" He waved his devil bringer in her face. Adding a little swagger to his movements, _oh not he didn't._ "I'm guessing a boob job is what you'll be shopping for next huh?" _Oh he went there!_ "Oh thank god! Kyrie!" Yes, she just happened to come into the room for some odd reason unexplainable, _even to me._

"I have three words for you Kyrie!" Yelled Trish, she waved her hair dramatically as she turned to face her, three fingers up! "I. Hate. Gingers!" _**OH!**_ Nero gaped in horror, how could she! "Oh and Lucia, you keep shaking that thing gurl, cuz I want an ass just like yours," Lucia nodded again, all the bitches want her ass. _Right? _"Oh and Vergil!" He was lurking in the darkness of the room once again, that vampire... Trish walked on over to him, all sexy like. "How about a strip tease." She purred.

_No reaction._

Trish began the strip teasing! Nero covering his eyes, and Kyrie's of course. Trish was getting naked!

Oh, and no reaction from Vergil. "Vergil," she smiled sweetly, he looked up. "You. Gay." She stated, fixing her top back on. The man just didn't get it did he? "Nero you might as well stop covering those virgin eyes of yours! Because, _dun dun dun, _I am your mother." Oh the tension of it all! _And it led to this_. Her Darth Vader voice definitely left a mark on everyone's minds!

"I don't believe you." He finally said, narrow eyes, down to slits.

"But it definitely is funny!" Dante shouted through the door, he was back!

"Oh, look who stopped being kidnapped, the bitch!" Trish said for all to hear. Nero was just about to say something to that -"Nero, your girlfriend looks like Annie, don't you say a damn word!" And so he didn't. "So Kyrie," she looked up, her freckled face coming into view. "We all know you lip-synch, since all opera singers are fat! And you're not, you fake singer, but you getting your way there, don't you worry _hun._" Kyrie was about to cry, the hitching sobs became evident as time passed along; _Nero was a shit comforter, standing there like a wall and all. _"And since were all being honest, Dante I think you have a lot of STD's! I'm just, Saiyan." She ended.

And everyone silenced to that one. They couldn't beat a Saiyan, blonde hair is far too powerful in any Godamned universe.

Speaking of blond hair, Lady Gaga and Gloria met just a few hours ago. And their battle raging continues... "BITCH! THIS IS MY HAIR STYLE MINEEE!

"OH NO GIRLFFRIEND! I ROCK THIS LOOK; NOT YOU!" Gaga sung into her mic, just before bashing Gloria over the head! _**OH.**_ _Looks like they did fight about the hair style._

...

"_Right, my name is Ian Somerhalder and we are here!" Pointing to fan girl, "to have a ménage à trios!" Dante paled, wha-what? He looked at the girl._

"_Good enough for me!" And the clothes came off._

"What is up with all these dreams! Another strange awakening, and least he had clothes on this time. But Vergil was there, **again!** "What the fuck Vergil." Spotting him in the corner of his room.

"Don you **wtf **me, I'm here, for a reason. Come on, hurry up and say it so I can storm out the room. _I read it this time, all and well._"

"I seriously don't get you dude, have you lost something?..." He mulled this over in his head. "Like the final battle we had?" He laughed like a maniac; _Oh that was a stinger._ Vergil scowled, and stormed out the room with the strength of a typhoon! But couldn't quiet get out the room. The blonde chick was in his way actually...

"Not another strip teased..." He whined.

"Actually no. Dante," she snapped, that made him stop laughing. "I think Vergil is much hotter than you." Oh? Vergil stilled. (All his dreams were coming true, he was beating Dante at something) "And Vergil darling," she purred. "Nelo Angelo makes me a very horny girl," she winked, and Vergil fainted, just like that. "Oh don't worry Dante, you make me horny too, you have the same face, duhh!"

"You give me no reaction. You have my mothers face... Weirdo..." Oh that did it. Trish snapped, first the fake boob thing, now this!

After several hours of agony, Dante finally made it out of his room - alive, and dressed in a frilly pink princess dress... Gasping for air. "HAHA! HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE MY BITCH!" Roared Trish in the other room! She was currently wearing Dante's clothing, her own discarded on the floor.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME _**DAMNIT**_ END THIS!"

Alright... And it's **ended.**


End file.
